Sunday, June 4, 2017

Snapshots of today

The twins are 5 and a half, Cierra, 2 and a half and life is pretty darn great!
Sam has started holding my hand at random times when walking to or from school or in parks. He just casually holds on and walks close. We don't acknowledge it just take it as a given that we do this. But really it's quite novel, he hasn't held my hand since..... Well, maybe since Cierra was born and was taking over both my hands!
I am savouring the feeling of his still small slightly rough little paw in mine. He bites his nails and his hands tend to be a bit dry but he holds on to me like a trusting, affectionate child, which he is. And he won't be for all that much longer. I want to memorize the feel of his small hand in mine before he outgrows this stage and his hand outgrows mine.
Cierra still often sleeps with her little bum up in the air, just like a baby. But she just recently stopped saying, "I yo baby mommy!"  And she is so not a baby anymore, despite her declarations, "I not a big kid mommy! I CC! I not a big kid."
So she is my little CC, my little girl, not a big kid! But often I tempt her to try things by saying, "oh just like Rachel and Sam do!"
Rachel is a real momma's girl too these days, she and I are sharing some good quality time painting toe and finger nails, having tea parties and writing stories. But more than all that, I'm trying to ensure she gets as many hugs and special smiles and positive reinforcement as possible. She is so sensitive underneath the quiet, and responds so immediately to all my positive attentions. I just want to fill her up each day with all my love so she can take on the world.
I so love these little big kids of mine.

Monday, April 10, 2017


Just a few things that I want to remember:
Sam asked me to draw a bunny for him so I quickly sketched out a shape. He looked at it and then asked with great sincerity, " mommy, do you know what a bunny looks like?"
He so obviously didn't mean it in any other way, just a genuine question. I laughed so hard, which confused him. I explained I did know what a bunny looks like, I'm just a really bad artist.

A couple weeks ago over spring break we were driving to Karate and Sam said he didn't want to grow up to be anything, not a fireman, or a worker or anything. I felt a little jolt of concern and gently asked why. He said, " cuz I'd just miss you too much being away from you all day."
Oh my heart! I told him he might not always feel that way but I was happy to hear him tell me that now.
Later after karate as we drove home the twins were saying that not every grown up has kids and Rachel said she was glad to come into my tummy so I didn't have to wait anymore. Sam said he was glad to come out of my tummy so I could be his Mommy and I didn't have to be sad anymore.
I was a little shocked. I don't recall ever saying that I was sad before when we were waiting for them. Although I have definitely said I Would have been sad if I didn't have them.
We all have so much to be grateful for.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Sigh.... Best intention lead nowhere

I so wanted to blog regularly, capture the small details on a weekly basis so I could remember them. Because if there is one thing I know it's that we forget all the likely things that make up our lives after time passes.
 The twins are 5! Nearly 5.5! and I forget what is was to have two little toddlers. I don't want to forget what Cierra is like at this age, or any of the previous months of her life or their lives.
I want to bottle them or find a way to capture each nuance of their personalities at 2 and 5... And probably 6 and 7 and 8, etc.
I don't want time to stop time. I wouldn't want to deprive my kids of growing up of becoming adults. I just wish there was a magical way to choose to remember all the details of a specific age or time so that I could sort of relive it again.
Yet I'm sure this was probably part of God's plan, to forget is probably an important part of our humanity, our creation. Perhaps if we were to remember everything, it would be too heartbreaking for us, we would somehow suffer terribly knowing (perfectly recalling) a time that we can never get back. Or we would inevitable lose all touch with our current time or reality when things got hard, because we would choose to immerse ourselves in our memories of better times.
I'm feeling nostalgic and a little sad, can you tell?
I just want to remember how:
Sam can be so wonderfully generous to his sisters these days. Giving them what they need or giving up what he has to comfort them.
Rachel is working so hard to be helpful to me, with Cierra.
Cierra's language has taken a huge leap forward and we are hearing full sentences more often than not as well as sayings that are used in perfect context: "I be right there! Just 2 more minute!" She is loving singing songs and has a repertoire of about 10 songs. She is utterly adorable, just so close to perfection in my eyes.
Sigh, life right now is so beautiful! And so hard! And perfect and needing to change a bit. Funny how it is both all I ever wanted and my own creation and also imperfect and needing to shift a bit. More o that soon hopefully. :)

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Oh what a summer!

I had so looked forward to this summer! I had so many visions of our days.
I'm pleased to say that we lived out quite a few of those visions and many days were spent in the sun and sand, in parks and in water, with friends and just by ourselves. We snacked, we lunched, we played, we applied and reapplied sunscreen. I requested they wear hats, they complied occasionally.
We were back home mid day every day for Cierra's nap, tv watching and lunch, which meant we had 2 potential outings every day, one 9-11, the other 2-4. I tied the practical neccesities into those outings, like groceries or other shopping.
I'm a bit surprised at how little we were at beckwith park, it's so close I figured we'd live there this summer. But I wanted to avoid the crowds there from 10 am till 3 so we spent more time exploring other parks and beaver lake and more time in our own yard, playing in the sprinkler, with the hose making 'cake' with garden dirt and other yard ingredients, having snack picnics on the grass.
We hit up the library every week, the kids enjoyed their 3 camps they attended. they were the perfect age!
It was a great summer and also an exhausting one for me.
Some things didn't go as smoothly as I would have liked. Cierra was so easy to take places until May/June when she decided she was not interested in the stroller, she's a big kid too! So no stroller meant one less thing to lug around, but not having it quadrupled the danger factor with Cierra being mobile and me still having to occasionally have eyes on the big kids. That made outings quite stressful, especially if we were by a lake or in parking lots or by busy roads. Not fun! Also no stroller meant I had to carry our bags and other outing requirements.... Plus keep a hand on Cierra.
Cierra also is pushing her own agenda more and more, wants her own more complex needs attended, and desires to join the big kid play, which leads to friction. But she also still wants to be super physical with me, lots of wrestling fun.... Which, of course!, the twins want in on too!! But they are soo freaking big now they pummel me!
So by the end of July I felt physically dragged down, anxious, burdened, burned out, short tempered, unheard....On the verge. Ya know what I mean? The veeeerge!
At 4 years old and 20 months old, these kids are LOUD, vibrant, demanding, creative, chaotic, absorbed in their own worlds. They do not listen! They follow their own agendas when I have to turn my attention to someone else's needs. And there is ALWAYS someone else needing something!
Why, oh why, do I have to yell to get anyone to do anything? The whining, the fighting, the intense immediacy of every single thing going on in their heads or with their bodies that I MUST know about! or attend to! right now!  for three kids! at the exact same moment!
Lord, have mercy!
It's nearly driven me to drink! It's definitely driven me to chocolate.
Bring on kindergarten!!!

Sunday, June 12, 2016


Today my heart melted a few times.
Cierra and Sam were in a kind of hug-a-thon which was adorable enough, Cierra holding on and lifting her legs up to try to wrap them around his waist, but then Rachel joined in making a Cierra sandwich hug. Then Sam suggested a family hug. it was super sweet, enough said.
But at bedtime Sam topped himself.
I sing them a little song when I tuck them in a night and my repertoire is growing. When they were tiny it was twinkle twinkle, then it was somewhere over the rainbow, then parts of song bird, then true colours, and now it's the final part of 'the rose'.
When I finished tonight Sam said, "that song makes me feel kind of sad." And I said I could find a happier song to sing him. He said, "no, it just makes me sad because I love you so much. I just love you so much I'm kind of sad about it."
How is that for 4.5 years old?
If only he knew how often I feel like crying because I love him so much.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Sam logic

I'll kick myself if I don't write the one down for posterity.
Sometime last month we finally visited Fort Rodd Hill. We walked around the old buildings and under the bunkers and looked at all the old pictures of the cannons and such.
We walked all the way down to the lighthouse, the kids loved playing with the old lights, Cierra was absolutely tickled to push the buttons and see them light up over and over.
We tried to keep the explanations light but also truthful in explaining what we were seeing and what the buildings and dugouts were for. Since a lot of area is underground, the twins had a lot of questions but very little context for understanding our answers. (Thank you God that we live in a country of peace.) So when our explanations of why the rooms were empty but the pictures showed the old ammunition that was once stored there fell short for them, they asked more questions.
We said they had to remove the ammunition because it wasn't safe, it was dangerous. It was what was used in the big cannons. It was dangerous ammunition, stored below ground to keep people safe.
Well, to 4 year old Sam this was beyond his intellectual reach, which was unacceptable to him. He asked again and again, where did the scary magician go?? Why was the scary magician under there??
Because dangerous = scary and ammunition = magician.... Or close enough, they sound practically the same right?
We laughed and tried to explain more but he had a very clear vision, which, no matter how hard we tried, we could not shake. So Fort Rodd Hill will forever be where the scary magician was ... once upon a time.
Maybe that's how fairy tales are born. :)
I love my boy!

Friday, May 6, 2016

A kiss and she is on her way

Yesterday, at17 months, she learned how to do the perfect kiss smack when she kisses our cheeks. We all got a lot of kisses yesterday and today. She is very proud of her new noise/ skill.

Today she put her own shoes on her feet when we were getting ready for school. I wa stunned! She was particularly motivated because yesterday she had to stay home with grandma for the morning, as  Mommy was volunteering in the big kids class. She was NOT impressed with being left behind so I guess today she was going to ensure no one left without her. 

This morning she said perfectly "cheese" in the teensiest little voice:  Chiss.

She is so freaking cute!