Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Tra la la phase

I said before that one of the tough parts and also one of the saving graces of this whole fertility thing for me is that it is so incredibly, terribly cyclical. Inevitably each month there is a period of sadness, followed by acceptance, followed by some version of hope, happiness and peace, often with a good dose of skepticism thrown in, followed by terrible sadness.

But there is so much more going on and it's impossible to sum up in just a few words. So I'm going to try a series on the many faces/phases of the cycle. And I'm going to start with the hope and peace stuff, the tra la la part, which happens to be where I am right now.

There are a few tra la la days for me almost every month. It's the honeymoon period. :) It's the point of 'trying' and waiting and hoping. Oh, it's a sweet time. A time when I'm able to look at things with a fairly clear eye, the grief of the previous week(s) is fading and I feel normal, normally happy.

During this time I'm able to talk about the other days more easily, without crying. I'm able to think clearly. I'm able to hope and day dream and also think more critically about where this journey may take us.

I think a lot about the idea that God may be leading us towards adoption. I believe there must be a reason for this wait. We must be learning something, gaining something that will serve us, that we'll need in the my future as a mother.

I often also get into a very hopeful thinking pattern of, "maybe there is nothing at all wrong! Maybe it's just taking time and the past 22 cycles haven't been the perfect time. But this month, oh, this month may be different! And even if it's not, I'm doing okay. I have so much to be grateful for, I'm sure we'll get there and it'll be great. Maybe I'll be late month and then I'll pee on the stick and then burst into happy tears! Maybe I'll get to tell A and oooh how would I tell him..." Thus begins tangental day dream of how I'd tell Andrew that we're expecting. I think I've imagined about 10 different ways. All very emotional and happy and romantic.

These are sweet days....even though I know the trip down from here is rough, I enjoy these days. See I only have today, I only have right now, the moment. Should I not enjoy it because the moments to come may not be as good? Should I ignore it in anticipation of what's next, or what's better? Should I overrule it in judgement of the likelyhood it lasts?

Or should I sit back and enjoy, appreciating the feelings that are right now, revelling in the good and knowing that 'now' is all I have and all I ever will and this too shall pass away?

I'll revel in the good while it lasts and be grateful for all I have.


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