I'm starting to wonder if I'm becoming an expert cycler or if God is working a miracle. No this is not a post about exercise.....or maybe it is.
I was hopeful this month. Really, really hopeful, practically certain! And in my experience, generally the higher the high, the harder the fall. As I started to see the first signs that this month was not yet the month, I began to feel the now familiar despair descend. My chest felt heavy and tight, tears were close to the surface. I was away from home, at a women's retreat with a focus on God and Hope, I really didn't want to be miserable. As we were singing that night and I was on the verge of losing it I thought, "I don't want to be crying all weekend, I don't want to be sad." And suddenly the thought that followed was, "I don' t have to" and the feeling that was just about to swamp me lifted away. It hasn't returned.
Now I don't know that it won't return but I'm glad to be free of it for now and I do thank God. I had a fantastic weekend with lots of laughs and lots of prayer and for that I'm grateful. The specialist appointment is right around the corner and I'm very hopeful that help is on it's way.
If I could choose (and maybe I can to some degree) I'd prefer to never face the depths of the down cycle again. It's such a place of anguish, hopelessness and utter grief and it's so hard to pull myself out, gain any perspective or even express what it's like when I'm experiencing it. Yet ironically, often if I let myself just spend time in that place and feel the very worst of those feelings, I end up descending to the bottom and I find it to be a place that is ...unyielding. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say I find a part of myself that is unyielding.
When I bend so far I feel like I'm breaking, I find a part of me that will not give in, will not be silenced and is prepared to fight. It's almost like when I can bend enough to accept where I am, I also find unlimited strength to keep going or look for a new direction. I think that's the part of me that loves the word roar. It's a piece that says, "Fine, this might be the way it is right now but this is not the way it will be." And I'm suddenly ready/eager to move on to whatever the next step is, to pick myself up and not spend another second at the bottom. It's not just tenacity, which serves me so well at work. It's more like a core of me that knows grief and knows there is another side to it.
I've experienced grief and crisis before and I know time helps and healing happens. I know there are better times ahead and frankly, I'd rather be there already! But having the ....opportunity? to experience the deepest lows and find that core of myself that is indomitable, well that's a gift too.
It sure would be nice to be able to find that core without having to descend into the depths.
Maybe that's what's happening this month... I've found my core closer to the surface.