Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A break

It's time for a vacation and it starts tomorrow. I'm relieved and grateful and feeling much, much better than I was last week. The saving grace of the horrible cycle is that there is a reprieve (almost) every month.

The vacation will include camping and hiking, beaches and sand, forests and mountain lakes, horseback and dunebuggy riding, wine and driving, driving, driving. Just us two. It will be good.

And after the vacation, I will be picking life back up but trying to instill a little more fun in it.

This reproductive stuff has been work. I've been working at my job 8 hours a day and then spending a great deal of my home time working on learning and growing and dealing and suffering and struggling and hoping and planning and trying, trying, trying for a baby. It's time to bring some more balance into things. It's time to paint and take fun exercise classes and try things I haven't tried before.....maybe a cooking class, or a how-to-play-by-ear piano lesson.

It's time to fill up my life instead of making room for something that isn't coming ....yet. I've made so much room in my life for a child that I feel hollow with missing it.

So, here is to the pursuit of a full, rich, interesting, vibrant life!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Life Lessons

They never stop I guess but sometimes I wish there wasn't quite so much 'opportunity' to learn.
Big lesson this week is actually rather ancient: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. (A buddhist lesson no less, brought to me by a councellor.)

When I agonize and rage over the unfairness of this infertility shit, or torture myself over how I deserve or don't deserve children or what I need to do/need to stop doing in order live a life that is consistent with my values, that is suffering. That is my choice and it is optional.

When I feel gut wrenching pain over someone else being pregnant, or breath-taking sadness or this soul deep depression and bleek hopelessness, that is inevitable. That is just life, people! I can choose to feel it and make room for it and then make room for all the other good stuff too....which will hopefully lead to healing over time. Or I can fight it, or pretend it doesn't exist, or rage against it, or focus on everything else (only the good) until I exhaust myself with the avoidance of it......ie choose the suffering.

I have this idea that this was a choice we all got to make before coming to this earth to live these lives. God warned us "I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." And somehow we all chose, in spite of the hardship that is inevitable, to come here and live these lives. Now I face the same dilemma in life. Is the pain (inevitable pain) worth the pursuit of a life that is consistent with my values (being a parent)? .....when there is absolutely no guarantee that it will actually lead to a life with children? but perhaps that it will lead to a worthwhile life?

I don't know. In these times of real sadness and pain, the answer is a very real 'no.' No, it's not worth it if there are no guarantees.

So I hold fast to the hope that it is guaranteed. I strongly believe it is promised as long as I am open to whatever way it is meant to happen - IVF, donor eggs, adoption, whatever. I hold on so tight and it's exhausting.

A lot of tears this week. A lot of tears.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Investigation ...complete!

Sunday prior to surgery:

I'm a day and a half away from my surgery. I'm feeling pretty accepting at this point but I spent much of the past week and a half feeling pretty anxious and negative about everything.

My biggest fear is that they'll find something they don't expect and it'll be bad news. Bad news at a time when I'm not really 'with it,' all hopped up on painkillers and groggy from the anesthetic. However, realistically I'm going to have questions written down and the hubby beside me so I should have all the information and the support I need.

1 week post-surgery:

I don't know why but I wasn't able to write anything prior to today except for those two short paragraphs above that I couldn't publish. I felt a huge resistance, even to write in my own journal. Maybe it was all the unknowns.

Now I know.

I'm perfect.

.... on the inside. :P Those actually were the doctors words, "everything looks perfect." I was sent home with instructions to get pregnant prior to our followup in September when we'll start discussions about eggs. Thanks doc, we'll see what we can do.

I'm grateful to know that I'm healthy. I'm grateful to have faced all the ugly fears around surgery and to have come out OK on the other side. I'm grateful for my husband who thanked me for 'taking one for the team.' I'm grateful that, aside from the first day of the surgery, which was pretty miserable, the recovery has been quick and without any major pain. OK, the first 2 days weren't great, very bloated/stretched, very sore throat from being intubated, afraid of the pain. But by the 4th day I made a huge turn around and felt much more myself....and my waist slowly came back, thank goodness.

So, now we enjoy summer and let the poor, abused belly-button heal....that's the price you pay for no scars with laparoscopic surgery. Lots of sun and relaxation, maybe a little vacation down the Oregon coast.

Here's to a classic DINK summer! May it be our last.