Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Life Lessons

They never stop I guess but sometimes I wish there wasn't quite so much 'opportunity' to learn.
Big lesson this week is actually rather ancient: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. (A buddhist lesson no less, brought to me by a councellor.)

When I agonize and rage over the unfairness of this infertility shit, or torture myself over how I deserve or don't deserve children or what I need to do/need to stop doing in order live a life that is consistent with my values, that is suffering. That is my choice and it is optional.

When I feel gut wrenching pain over someone else being pregnant, or breath-taking sadness or this soul deep depression and bleek hopelessness, that is inevitable. That is just life, people! I can choose to feel it and make room for it and then make room for all the other good stuff too....which will hopefully lead to healing over time. Or I can fight it, or pretend it doesn't exist, or rage against it, or focus on everything else (only the good) until I exhaust myself with the avoidance of choose the suffering.

I have this idea that this was a choice we all got to make before coming to this earth to live these lives. God warned us "I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." And somehow we all chose, in spite of the hardship that is inevitable, to come here and live these lives. Now I face the same dilemma in life. Is the pain (inevitable pain) worth the pursuit of a life that is consistent with my values (being a parent)? .....when there is absolutely no guarantee that it will actually lead to a life with children? but perhaps that it will lead to a worthwhile life?

I don't know. In these times of real sadness and pain, the answer is a very real 'no.' No, it's not worth it if there are no guarantees.

So I hold fast to the hope that it is guaranteed. I strongly believe it is promised as long as I am open to whatever way it is meant to happen - IVF, donor eggs, adoption, whatever. I hold on so tight and it's exhausting.

A lot of tears this week. A lot of tears.

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