Sunday, September 26, 2010

Girl with a Plan

I like having a plan, a framework, a structure to work in or live my life in. I have to work to mix things up and be spontaneous.....well, either work at it or be in a really good mood. This past month has given me both.

My inexplicable good mood since returning from vacation has been nothing short of a blessing. It hasn't been due to good weather because there hasn't been much of it. It hasn't been due to good news because there hasn't been much of that either. But it may be a combination of blessings and jumping into new activities and sketching out a plan for the winter.

We had an appointment with the specialist shortly after we got home. He basically said he can find no reason why we aren't getting may be a little of may be a little of that....but none of the things found are significant enough to explain infertility. That leaves him quite hopeful for us in the long term but also has him estimating that we have about a 5% chance each month.

So he set out some options: 1. antibiotics to clear up some inflammation, and an adjusted diet to reduce future inflammation 2. a fertility drug on it's own that may increase our odds by a couple %, 3. intra-uterine insemination, which would bring us to about 15% chance and 4. IVF, which would bring the odds to about 50%. It's entirely up to us.

And we've chosen. This week: a simple antibiotic. Next cycle: we'll start with insemination and the doctors recommend up to 3 rounds of that before we move on to IVF. Whatever happens, within the next year, we'll have tried what there is to try. And I'm ready to try. I'm ready to Do Something and am happy to make whatever lifestyle changes may help me through all of it. Bring on the yoga, snacks, reduced simple carbs, minimal dairy.

I'm trying not to think too much about pumping drugs into an almost perfectly healthy body. Instead I'm trying to focus on the goal of a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. That's the reason for it all. If, in the end, we do not have a baby, at least I will know we did all we could. Plus, with IVF we'd likely gain more information about the quality of my eggs, which they can't really test for.

All this when so many people can simply drink a bottle of wine on a beach and presto....

I'm also trying not to ask 'why?' quite so much. Apparently there is no answer.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Big Impression for a Shortie

Apparently I leave big impressions. I have proof.

The first time this occurred was when I was back home visiting after I'd moved away. I'd been gone a year and had not changed anything substantially about myself in that time. However, upon my return, people kept asking, 'How did you lose ALL that weight?" They were genuine! They were flabberghasted! They were impressed and wanted the details! Or, in the case of my mother, concerned.

Now this would be very flattering had I once possessed a lot of weight and done some amazing work to lose it. But that was not the case. And although I denied it, for some reason people refused to believe me. That's where this becomes a pet peeve.

I am a very truthful person. I detest lying, subterfuge, even negotiation and sales tactics as they so often involve half truths and partial disclosure throughout the process. And I'm incredibly honest about myself and my life with people close to me. I would never lie about something like dramatically losing a lot of weight. Luckily, I've been blessed with a very consistent metabolism and my weight only fluctuates about 5lb over the years. (One single exception being when my first marriage fell apart and I lost about 15 lbs and gained it back over the following year.)

Now I would have shrugged this off and kept it as an odd, slightly flattering memory but over the years it recurrs and recurrs. Today was one of those special days.

I ran into a girl in the hall at work who has just returned from maternity leave. I said a friendly and enthusiastic, "Hi, how are you? Are you happy to be back?"

She quickly answered and then said "You look so different!"

I thought for a second, "Oh yes, the hair is streaked and shorter!"

"No," she said, "you're so small. How did you lose all that?"

"Oh, no," I said knowing what was about to happen,"I'm the same as I always am."

"No, you're not" she insisted giving me another sweeping look.

By now I know it's futile and I should just lie and say I lost 20 pounds and say thanks for noticing. But I can't! I haven't! I AM exactly the same as I always am!

"You're not alone," I say, "this often happens when I haven't seen someone in a while. People remember me bigger for some reason." My smile is slightly strained, I want to move on, drop the topic.

"Really?!?," she asks, giving me a slightly hurt, I-don't-believe-a-word-of-it, why-are-you-lying look.

"Really," I say, "I'm the same, no change."

"Oh, well..." awkward pause.

"Anyway, glad to have you back," I say and we part ways.

And she is not alone, over the years this has happened with my mother, my sister, old friends, new friends who I haven't seen in a few months, colleagues, and even the ex-husband! That was a good day... that was satisfying....until he refused to believe me. Until he insisted, "You were never in all the time we were together, (9 years) ever, even close to that skinny." And when I said rather irritatedly "I own a scale." He said 'Then it's broken."

The truth is at the end of our marriage, when things hit the fan and I was a total wreck, I was almost 20 lbs less than at the time this conversation occurred.

I believe it is a general rule in 'polite' society: Don't comment on other people's weight. And if you slip and you do, thinking it will be a compliment, let it go immediately. Just say they look good and move on. Don't persist, it becomes insulting.

I don't want to think that people remember me as being fat. That's totally depressing.

So instead I try to believe that I leave such a big impression that people actually remember me larger than I am in actual life. And since people generally don't lose inches off their height, they end up thinking I've lost inches off my a.... other areas.

We make our own reality right?

In other news, I don't know what has come over me or what has transpired to make me so happy but I have been in a good mood for over two weeks! Whoo hoo. Even cloudy cool days weren't bringing my energy down or dampening my spirit. And so I blame happiness for my blogging absence.

Will do better. Lots to write about!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Rolling Home

Oregon was fabulous! We did all the things we were going to do and even threw in a few changes. We'll definitely be back to see the things we missed the first time around. Hiking and horseback riding and dune-buggy riding and beautiful scenery made the trip fantastic. Wine country and Portland shopping didn't hurt either. Plus the weather was with us every step of the way....except for two very cold nights in Crater Lake.

I came home relaxed and happy to be in my own bed.....or at least my own home. We were happy to see our bed but our bed was not happy to see us.

The first night home, as Andrew characteristically flopped himself down onto his pillow, the bed collapsed. The side board actually split in half. Somehow the screws that hold the board were not entirely screwed in and well...

You know you've been 'trying' for too long when your hardware starts to give out. Last week I would have sworn that my sanity would go first but apparently I am more resilient than the bed....or perhaps I just have better support. :P

Regardless, the bed will get fixed and I will go on with my mission for a full life. I'm going to sign up for piano lessons tomorrow and I really look forward to it. It's not an answer to life fulfillment but I think it's a step in the right direction.

I want to be loud. I want to be fun. I want to expend all this energy in some way that reflects a part of me. Writing does that to some extent but it's a very quiet activity. I do a lot of quiet activities. I'm ready to make some noise.