Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Best Layed Plans

So.... there was a plan...and that plan wasn't going to work. Blah blah blah timing...blah blah blah travel.... blah blah blah not willing to wait another three months. Too long to be without hope or action.

Long story short, we jumped right into IUI (insemination) and the first step was an ultrasound to see where my follicles were at on day 2 of my cycle. Bad news: the largest were far too advanced, meaning they would most likely be completely unviable by they time I ovulated. This is not good, or to quote the specialist, "really not good."

However, the Dr was willing to try one cycle of IUI before we looked at other options. With some hormones, we hope more follicles will develop at a more normal rate and will be better quality when I ovulate. So last Thursday I took a really deep breathe and steadied my nerves and forced myself not to puke as I plunged a little needle into my stomach to deliver the first dose of medication. I'm rather proud of myself for that.

Skip forward 1 week and two more ultrasounds and the news does not improve. My ovaries are not developing the follicles the way the Dr would want them too with the hormones. It's not looking good. Regardless, we will do the IUI this cycle just to try. And we will hope and we will pray.

But honestly, right now this seems like a science experiment and I am not hopeful. I am sad. I am so sad.

That said I am still interested in the next step and I want to know some numbers, some likely hood, that we'll ever have our own children. The next step the Dr wants to try is to give me medication that will put my ovaries to sleep. Then he'll give me some other medication that will slowly wake them back up....hopefully in that process they'll develop the follicles more slowly. More science experiments.

So why am I willing to do all this if I'm not hopeful that it will work? Perhaps I do have a little hope. Perhaps this feeling of hopelessness is just a protective shell I'm trying to build up to ward off the inevitable pain and disappointment of another failed cycle. However, the more likely reason is that I need to know that we tried.

It's such a precious dream to have to give up that I can't do it without a fight. I think I need to let it go slowly, in stages and hope that by the time I cannot continue fighting, we'll be closer to another parenthood option .... through adoption. So we will continue and I will practise trusting God; trusting him with my fear and my heartache, trusting that he has a plan, trusting that someday we'll be a family even though it won't happen the way I dreamed it would.

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