Monday, November 15, 2010

Coupled and Decoupled

I'm not cut out for a long distance relationship - quality time is decidedly my love language and yet I also consider myself a very independent woman. How does that fit? Being on my own has left me reflecting on coupledom and how we play our roles....and what shifts when suddenly I'm decoupled for a couple of weeks.

On the one hand, I get a kick out of being the only one to consider when making basic choices and taking up space. What, when and where to eat becomes an opportunity for a little indulgence and breaking the usual rules and routines. Sleeping in the middle of the bed, using all the bathroom counter space, both hand towels, and the entire towel rack is thoroughly enjoyable.

Plus, being alone somehow spurs me into doing tasks and chores that I generally avoid. Tasks that may fall into my partner's realm and doing them feels like an act of independence. I get my car fixed. I take the yard waste to the disposal place. I take out the garbage and do the vacuuming. I haul out the decorations, even the hammer and nails, and make changes in the house. I plan social activities without considering anyone else's needs or plans.

My time is my own and I do things on a whim. I am capable. I am competent. I can do whatever I want in the world, however I want to do it.

I am woman, hear me roar! Wooohooo!

Aaaand on the other hand.....

Having no one to tell all that stuff to, no one to plan with, consult with, do those tasks with, leaves me feeling lonely. There is a void where there used to be someone to bounce off of, talk to ... consider. When no one knows my plans, my activities, how my day went, I go to a place of thinking there is no one who cares either. The cat just doesn't notice that much.

Plus, this house is big. Too big for one person. I rattle around in here, feeling small even though I try to take up more space and make noise.

When it's dark and dreary all day, pitch black all evening and there is a roaring wind storm rattling the windows and throwing branches at the house making it sound like there is someone trying to get in....... well, it's an unpleasant experience alone. I have trouble falling asleep, listening to the unexpected noises and I hate the idea that the power could go out. With someone to share it with, the exact same evening would be a great time to snuggle in, comment at the power of the wind and feel safe and snug tucked inside together.

So, having this time alone has me feeling both lonely and empowered and very appreciative of my hubby. We caught each other online today and I rushed home from work, giddy at the chance to skype and have a real conversation.

The opportunity to miss someone can be a real gift. And oh, I miss him.

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