Saturday, November 6, 2010

The things you worry about....and the things you don't

November is my month off, my sweet escape from the tumultuous rollercoaster of trying for a baby.

Knowing it would be a month without the demands of appointments at the clinic and hopefully without the usual emotional extremes, I scheduled some different things. One was my annual physical.

I had a couple of small ... I wouldn't even call them concerns, the were just items to mention and get reassurance on. My regular doctor wasn't in so I saw her replacement, which was fine, she was friendly, reassuring and direct. We did the usual full physical stuff.

Any changes? Any concerns?
What's with the heartburn lately = take a tums
Not really recovering my energy after my last period = we'll do some bloodwork...
Breast exam, all fine...
Pap, as is usual....
Stethescope deep breaths, sounds good...
Listen to the heart.....hmmm.....

"Has anyone ever told you you have a heart murmur?"

wtf?!? "No, no one has ever told me that before." I knew it, infertility is literally heart breaking.

"No problem, it's probably nothing but whenever someone develops a murmur as an adult we want to take a closer look."

So! The plan is to go in for an EKG just to check things out.... get a closer look and listen. Probably won't happen any time soon as it's certainly not an emergency. But this has thrown me for a bit of a loop... has made me think about worry.

I worried about not being able to have children. It's a real concern and I even had anxiety around it prior to trying for children because it was so important to me. Worrying about it didn't keep me from experiencing infertility. "Did it assist in causing it?"my horrible, self-hating voice asks. It's a worthless, self-defeating question.

I've never worried about my heart .... but that didn't keep me from developing a little 'something.' I'm not worried now but that's not going to stop whatever happens from happening. However, it may make life easier to enjoy if I'm not anxious over it while waiting for the test.

In the meantime....Um Lord, not sure if you got the memo: This is my month off, Lord, my month off!

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