Monday, December 27, 2010

Renewed

It may be my own little Christmas miracle that Christmas was really enjoyable in spite of the bitter disappointment and sadness just a few days before.

We had neighbours over for Christmas Eve dinner, and the evening was filled with easy chatter around our big dining room table. Christmas day was just family and we had a relaxed day filled with gifts and food and games. It was really lovely, no pressure, lots of indulgences, smiles and cooperation to get all the work done. Props to go Mom and Andrew, the-most-fabulous-husband-ever, who did all the cooking. :)


As far as the future goes, I'm feeling calmer and more certain that God has a plan for us. Last week this time, I felt abandoned, hopeless and distraught. Today, I feel rather resigned to whatever our future holds and I'm asking God to show me the way. I want to trust that whatever happens, we will be okay, in fact we'll be happy, joyful even.


I want to stop taking this struggle so personally. I want to let go of the belief that there is a reason for this....it's not serving me to try to sort out why we're going through this. Whether it's fair or unfair, deserved or not.


At church on Sunday the pastor talked about how God's presence in our lives it not evidenced by the absence of struggle and pain but by the presence of love. And I have a great deal of love in my life. I'm grateful for my husband, my parents, my sister and nieces, my friends, my extended family that I'm proud to belong to, even my fabulous cat. I'm remarkably lucky to have so much love. I just need to hang on to that when the grief hits over the things I do not have and want so much.


I still don't have an answer to my question in my last post. "If the answer to my dream continues to be 'no,' what will that do to me?" But I'm starting to suspect that the answer has something to do with me surrendering and changing.....changing my life in such a way that I can fulfill my needs, even if it looks very different from what I thought it would look like.


For now I'm still praying for the original dream: a healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, a comfortable home in a safe neighbourhood, great neighbours, a nice park to walk and play in. It's a good dream.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Crushed

Ah yes, that harsh reality did indeed come crashing down. Another negative....I think that makes 33.

Those three happy weeks were a gift. And I know there will be more of that in the future. But this, today, feels like a punishment.

So what does one do when the answer to their greatest desire is 'No' or at least 'Not yet' for the 33rd time?

It's really hard to look down the road and have hope when I know there could be more of this awful feeling in the future. Desperation hits when I start seeing no choice but to withstand more. I can't just turn off my dream of having a family. I can't just dream something else.

So what happens if the answer to the dream continues to be no? What will that do to me? How much can I take? And what would it mean if I couldn't take it anymore?

I don't know. I have no answers.

It's time to binge on chocolate and maybe by Christmas I'll feel better.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Christmas Spirit

We are prepped for Christmas! We've got a real live tree creating a gorgeous outdoorsy smell. Cards are in the mail. Gifts are bought ....or this close to. We've got Christmas music, a Christmas menu, Christmas gifts, Christmas guests, Christmas lights, Christmas dreams and glitter on every freakin surface in the house!

Woo hooo!

And I'm even in the spirit. :)

Now, a rather harsh reality may come crashing down on me in, oh, like 24 -48 hours. But I have to say I've been in a good mood for over two weeks now and it's been lovely. I've thoroughly enjoyed thinking about India and thinking about adoption and all the possibilities there are. And last night I had a fabulous dream about twin baby girls.

I have no idea where 2011 will take us. But I do know this year I'll be celebrating Christmas in my home with family and I'll be ringing in the New Year with great friends. And that's a great place to be.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Life I Planned

This potential opportunity to spend a couple years in India has given my brain a whole lot to contemplate.


I'm trying to stay in the moment and feel my way through this. I don't want to just be swamped with the thoughts of all the what ifs, and lists of what we'd have to do to make this happen or all the things that would be hard. I want to think about how it would fit in the bigger tapestry of life, what it could mean long term and how it fits in with my values and my life plan.

Now as far as long-term planning or life planning goes (insert wry, cynical laughter here) there is a lot that is out of one's control. I mean really, the life I planned had me pregnant 2 years ago and by now back at work contemplating baby #2. Planning has not helped me a smidge in acheiving this goal of a family. This opportunity of living abroad was not planned at all, however it has a certain element of....spiritual assistance I'll say, that I've felt before.

When I was 13 I had a dream of being one of the high school grads who got all the awards when they graduated. That came to fruition...ok, not all but plenty enough to fulfill the dream. When I was 18 and roughing it around Europe, I dreamed of returning as a young business woman, staying in hotels and eating in the nice restaurants. That happened. These dreams were broad and long term and not something I thought about on a daily basis. They just sat quietly in my bank of dreams and God worked them out.

When I was 20 I lived in Japan for 9 months. The experience was fabulous and also incredibly challenging in many ways. It left me with a deep sense of Canada being home. It also left me thinking I'd like to do a year overseas again sometime....maybe in my mid-30s with some kids in tow and a neat work opportunity to pursue. As far as plans go, it was broad but clear, without a lot of specifics but not unrealistic. It fit with my desire to lead a full, interesting life and be a part of the bigger world in a tangible way....not just reading about a far off places but having experienced them.

When I think about India, I'm left with a question of my values. I value great travel opportunities, the chance to see another culture and, ya know, live an adventure every so often. But that value/dream does not trump the number 1 dream of having a family. Does one have to preclude the other?

I love my life right now, our situation. But when I imagine staying here, in this place, for the next 2 or 4 or 6 years without children, I feel horrible. I imagine looking back at it as wasted, empty time. It wouldn't be empty if there were kids but it can't be filled only by the hope of them.


Let's face it, the baby dream is not coming to fruition. So what do I do with my life while pursuing it? What do I do with this time of waiting, which could be weeks, could be months or years or could be forever? Do I live a quiet, safe life that would be ideal for a baby or do I just live life the best I can and take whatever opportunities come?


Baby or no baby, living in India for 2 years could be an amazing adventure. If I end up pregnant next week, India would be a nice warm place to spend a couple of years being a new Mom....albeit without the great support network we have here. If I'm not pregnant, I can still pursue treatment, here or in India and be living an adventure that doesn't come around every day.

So much to think about.

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Upside of Down

This week has been a sweet relief from the previous...oh, month. This week, I had great energy, my mood was generally light and positive, I've been busy at work, relaxed but effective at home and getting into the Christmas spirit too.

Boy does it ever feel good to find this upside after being down. Maybe that is one of the benefits of having down times. It makes you appreciate the good times that much more or at least makes you really aware of having the good time. Like, "Wow, I haven't felt like this in....can't remember how long! Criminey, better enjoy it while it lasts!"

Now, there are multiple factors that created this upside. My sweet, jet-lagged husband is home. YAY! My piano lessons are really challenging but really really good. Work is busy but things are starting to take a turn for the better. Pepper cat is doing better, not perfect but better. I finally got the insurance company straightened out and I'm getting reimbursed for a portion of the fertility drugs.

And speaking of fertility, we're mid-cycle of the current IUI treatment. That means action. And action always makes me feel better, even when it involves sticking needles in my stomach. (A girl's gotta do....)

And to top it all off! (Brace yourselves peeps) We're talking about what it would mean to move to India for a couple of years.

And there is nothing like contemplating throwing my whole life up in the air to give me a shot of adrenaline! Whoo hoo imagine the work we'd need to do to organize that. Imagine the adventure! Imagine the challenges, the stories, the life experience, the learning, the yoga potential, the fun of telling people, the possibility of adopting in India.

Oooh little brown-eyed babies! Of course, I have no clue what adopting would be like or even if it would be possible. But right now I'm in fantasy mode and on the upside and the world is my oyster and God will take care of the rest.

Woo hoo!