Monday, December 6, 2010

The Life I Planned

This potential opportunity to spend a couple years in India has given my brain a whole lot to contemplate.

I'm trying to stay in the moment and feel my way through this. I don't want to just be swamped with the thoughts of all the what ifs, and lists of what we'd have to do to make this happen or all the things that would be hard. I want to think about how it would fit in the bigger tapestry of life, what it could mean long term and how it fits in with my values and my life plan.

Now as far as long-term planning or life planning goes (insert wry, cynical laughter here) there is a lot that is out of one's control. I mean really, the life I planned had me pregnant 2 years ago and by now back at work contemplating baby #2. Planning has not helped me a smidge in acheiving this goal of a family. This opportunity of living abroad was not planned at all, however it has a certain element of....spiritual assistance I'll say, that I've felt before.

When I was 13 I had a dream of being one of the high school grads who got all the awards when they graduated. That came to fruition...ok, not all but plenty enough to fulfill the dream. When I was 18 and roughing it around Europe, I dreamed of returning as a young business woman, staying in hotels and eating in the nice restaurants. That happened. These dreams were broad and long term and not something I thought about on a daily basis. They just sat quietly in my bank of dreams and God worked them out.

When I was 20 I lived in Japan for 9 months. The experience was fabulous and also incredibly challenging in many ways. It left me with a deep sense of Canada being home. It also left me thinking I'd like to do a year overseas again sometime....maybe in my mid-30s with some kids in tow and a neat work opportunity to pursue. As far as plans go, it was broad but clear, without a lot of specifics but not unrealistic. It fit with my desire to lead a full, interesting life and be a part of the bigger world in a tangible way....not just reading about a far off places but having experienced them.

When I think about India, I'm left with a question of my values. I value great travel opportunities, the chance to see another culture and, ya know, live an adventure every so often. But that value/dream does not trump the number 1 dream of having a family. Does one have to preclude the other?

I love my life right now, our situation. But when I imagine staying here, in this place, for the next 2 or 4 or 6 years without children, I feel horrible. I imagine looking back at it as wasted, empty time. It wouldn't be empty if there were kids but it can't be filled only by the hope of them.

Let's face it, the baby dream is not coming to fruition. So what do I do with my life while pursuing it? What do I do with this time of waiting, which could be weeks, could be months or years or could be forever? Do I live a quiet, safe life that would be ideal for a baby or do I just live life the best I can and take whatever opportunities come?

Baby or no baby, living in India for 2 years could be an amazing adventure. If I end up pregnant next week, India would be a nice warm place to spend a couple of years being a new Mom....albeit without the great support network we have here. If I'm not pregnant, I can still pursue treatment, here or in India and be living an adventure that doesn't come around every day.

So much to think about.

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