Monday, December 27, 2010

Renewed

It may be my own little Christmas miracle that Christmas was really enjoyable in spite of the bitter disappointment and sadness just a few days before.

We had neighbours over for Christmas Eve dinner, and the evening was filled with easy chatter around our big dining room table. Christmas day was just family and we had a relaxed day filled with gifts and food and games. It was really lovely, no pressure, lots of indulgences, smiles and cooperation to get all the work done. Props to go Mom and Andrew, the-most-fabulous-husband-ever, who did all the cooking. :)


As far as the future goes, I'm feeling calmer and more certain that God has a plan for us. Last week this time, I felt abandoned, hopeless and distraught. Today, I feel rather resigned to whatever our future holds and I'm asking God to show me the way. I want to trust that whatever happens, we will be okay, in fact we'll be happy, joyful even.


I want to stop taking this struggle so personally. I want to let go of the belief that there is a reason for this....it's not serving me to try to sort out why we're going through this. Whether it's fair or unfair, deserved or not.


At church on Sunday the pastor talked about how God's presence in our lives it not evidenced by the absence of struggle and pain but by the presence of love. And I have a great deal of love in my life. I'm grateful for my husband, my parents, my sister and nieces, my friends, my extended family that I'm proud to belong to, even my fabulous cat. I'm remarkably lucky to have so much love. I just need to hang on to that when the grief hits over the things I do not have and want so much.


I still don't have an answer to my question in my last post. "If the answer to my dream continues to be 'no,' what will that do to me?" But I'm starting to suspect that the answer has something to do with me surrendering and changing.....changing my life in such a way that I can fulfill my needs, even if it looks very different from what I thought it would look like.


For now I'm still praying for the original dream: a healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, a comfortable home in a safe neighbourhood, great neighbours, a nice park to walk and play in. It's a good dream.

2 comments:

  1. My dear roaring !!!
    It was wonderful to have you guys over last night. THANKS for sharing your blog with me, I have to admit I cried in many of them, I could not stop reading.
    I couldn't stop thinking that maybe we were asking too many questions about your struggle with fertility over this last year and so last night, I didn't want to force you to answer more stupid questions (because I feel ignorant of a lot around treatments). I truly feel blessed with my pregnancies and I'm sure you'll have the best eggs in the world but if you don't I would be happy to give you some of mine: that's how much I care for you and how much I want you to achieve your dream!!!
    You guys deserve it and I'm sure these kids will be so spoiled but also so well behave. I love your spirituality, your courage, your endurance, your constructive critics on yourself but most of all I admire your patience for life, for your husband, for every little things and big things that you want so much and that take their bloody time to come around!!!
    I always feel calm after we've seen you guys, I have so much to learn from you.
    We love you lot's and we will miss you too much if you go to India but as you so said, we'll keep in touch on Skype and Facebook until we're both back in beautiful Victoria...
    Take care and our thoughts and prayers are with you! Now, I'll stop asking and I'll just come read what you feel ready to write! That's a deal!!!
    Suzie xxx

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  2. Thank you so much Suzie! Your words made me cry....happy tears though. I'm so grateful to have friends like you.
    And I don't mind the questions but sometimes it is easier to write than to talk about. So yes, feel free to read and comment and ask questions too. :)

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