Monday, March 28, 2011

Sea Bands Rock

Every night I go to bed with my sea bands on and every day continues to be sooo much better than early last week. I'm not 100% and I still have to have regular snacks but it's totally under control and I'm able to live pretty normally again. We are 9 sleeps from Maui, 9 little sleeps. We can do it! This is going to be the best anniversary vacation ever! It's probably going to be our last vacation too, or at least the last one where we can be totally, utterly self-indulgent. :) Or as indulgent as I can be without drinking, or staying up late, or eating bad food, or doing anything too physically strenuous. Ok, ok, so it'll be a semi-responsible vacation. But it's still going to be stupendous! And just in case these sea bands don't keep up their magic, I now have a prescription for anti-nausea pills for emergencies. We're incredibly excited.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Roa....alph

This whole nausea thing is getting so old!

I had three really nasty days this week. The good thing is that it's not consistent. Just because one day is awful doesn't mean the next will be. And I think I may have hit on a semi-solution.

My accupuncturist recommended trying seabands. They are these elastic bands with hard plastic knobs that you place right in the middle of your inner wrist. I've used them two nights in a row and the following day has been significantly, dramatically better than what I experienced at the beginning of the week.

So I'll use those every night and I also snack regularly. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to sneak through this period without actually throwing up.

Fingers crossed!!!

When I'm not feeling miserable I have to remind myself that I'm actually pregnant. Many times throughout my day I still think, "I'm pregnant! With twins!" and it seems unreal.

Can't wait for the next ultrasound. It's a whole week away.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Happiness and Awe

What a week!

Sunday was the start of morning sickness. Although there is nothing restricting it to morning. Basically I've found if I eat a lot of protein and eat a lot (many days every hour on the hour) I'm able to stay quite comfortable. I'll do whatever I can to keep from throwing up! My new super-power sense of smell does not help me in this endeavour.

Tuesday I found my anxiety mounting....for no reason I felt like crying at work all afternoon. I was stressed and felt miserable and ultimately I decided I was just really anxious about the ultrasound on Wednesday. (I was exactly 7 weeks on Wed.) There was no concrete reason to worry but emotion is not logical. That night A and I talked about it, he was super excited about the appointment and I just wanted to cry.

Wednesday morning passed very quickly. I went to work to keep myself busy and I felt excitement more than anxiety about the appointment. Both A and I arrived early and ended up having to wait for a bit in the waiting room. We'd been there so many times but never for an appointment like this, never riding this wave of happiness and nervousness of knowing we are expecting.

We were ushered into the exam room pretty quickly but then had to wait quite a while for the doctor. By this time we were happy to be there and pretty calm and this gave us time to chat. We talked about the great picture on the wall showing the ovulation and implantation stages and how amazing it is that we're past that point now. We talked about looking forward to Hawaii.

I finally asked, "OK if you had to bet right now, what do you think? Twins?"
He barely even hesitated, "I think it's twins."
"So do I!" I quickly answered a little nervously.
"Won't be long now and we'll know," A calmly replied.

Just a few minutes later the doctor and nurse came in. The ultrasound was set up and the first thing I could see on the screen was a black blob but I didn't see anything in it. Then it looked like from another perspective there was something in it.

Before my worry could mount too high the doctor said, "Well, are you ready for a shock?"
I think both A and I said "It's twins?"
"It's twins!"

It's TWINS people!!! Twins! Two babies! Two amazing, gorgeous little lives just starting out!

We laughed. We held hands. We watched in amazement as the doctor pointed out and took snapshots of baby A and baby B and both together. In spite of their being just the size of blueberries right now, they have tiny fluttering heartbeats that we could see on the ultrasound. It was surreal.

We were speechless and thrilled and scared and overwhelmed and in awe. We didn't know what to ask or what this meant. But I did have a list of questions that I dutifully asked and I concluded with, "I'm 5 foot 2 and 110 pounds. Can my body DO this?"

The answer is that this is a high risk pregnancy, twins always are. That means close monitoring with visits to my regular doctor and an obstetrician as well. It also means more folic acid and more vitamin D and more good healthy food and we'll just take this a week at a time.

This week I'm thrilled and amazed and feeling incredibly blessed. I love them both. I want them both.

Twins! Life will never be the same... :)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Symptomy

Well, the blood tests verified it but now I'm starting to experience actual pregnancy symptoms! Very exciting .... if not very glamorous.

A friend of mine said this weekend that there are no pleasant pregnancy symptoms. I think this is sad. But there must be some good things because my sister said the best part of babies is before they are born! ha ha So I guess it all depends on your perspective.

Right now when I feel any painful pinches I worry about ectopic pregnancy, which is possible though not likely. Otherwise things are great so far and I feel pretty normal ... except for more sensitive breasts. And well, the gas. And um, I drool all the time. And I'd rather never experience constipation. And just yesterday and today I've started feeling ever so slightly queasy.

Luckily none of these things are significant enough to bother me. So they are still very welcome signs that this may really be happening. Very exciting!

(At some point I'm going to have to add a new category to the blog: Pregnancy! Perhaps after the ultrasound.)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Waiting on News

It's another waiting game as I count down the days to the 6 week ultrasound. This should verify where the placenta is and how many.

I did go for another blood test, just to make sure the hcg levels were still increasing and oh boy, were they - over 7000! This is a great sign; I'm REALLY pregnant! It also may be an indication of twins.

I truly don't know what to hope for. If it's one, it will be a relief and a little sad that one didn't make it. If it's two, I'll be both thrilled and totally freaked out. Twins are a blessing and also much more than double the work. But people manage.... somehow. I understand it does require a great deal more discipline and structure.... and a lot of help from loving friends and family. And probably a willingness to throw all rules and aspirations of what motherhood 'should' be out the window.

And probably total and utter surrender. :)

Anyway, I'm filling my waiting time with work intrigue. This work issue no longer stresses me out the way it did last week. Although last week certainly didn't bring me a resolution, I did get a partial 'win' out of it. Basically my Director said that when they do the company wide salary evaluations in 2 weeks, I will (most likely) be evaluated for the work I do today - not what they hired (and pay) me for 3 years ago. See, it's an executive decision that has to be made and I have 3 out of 5 votes but he cannot guarantee the decision because there are 2 others that have not been consulted yet. Also, assuming that I do get the 'promotion' officially, the salary adjustment dates have not been set. So, although it will most likely happen this fiscal, that could be any time in the next 6 months!

So I have to ask, since when is it normal to have a promotion require full executive approval? And since when is it acceptable to say you may or may not be fairly compensated for your work within the next 6 months?

I let the Director know today that I thought this was unreasonable and I want to discuss it further. Specifically, I'd like to know if I need to seek other work outside the company in order to guarantee fair compensation for my job.

Yes, I used those words.

I think the bottom line is that I'm not going to seek work outside the company but I need them to know that this is not OK with me.

Roar!!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

What's Worth It

Some days I just can't win with myself....and some days I think I'm truly awesome... and then there are days like today where it's both at the same time.

I took a stand with my boss today. I stood up for getting paid for the job I do. I tried to do this 5 months ago and got a big song and dance about how I was working towards the job that I'm actually doing right now and how there are steps that I need to go through and 'he'd look into it.'

Since that time 5 months ago we've discussed it directly a couple of times. We've discussed it indirectly a couple of times. I'd discussed it with HR very candidly....and I let it go. Ultimately, I had India on my mind and all the medical stuff on my mind, and this past 5 months has been the busiest time at work. So I buried my head in these things and hoped something would resolve itself while I quietly seethed and seethed whenever I thought about it.

This week I suddenly pulled my head out of the sand and realized:
1. I'm running out of time with this leverage of having lots of work to do
2. If I go on leave (either for India or on maternity leave) without this resolved, I'll be coming back to the role and the salary that I have right now.....not the one I've earned for the job I'm doing right now, which is significantly different. That's totally not OK! I can't have worked for 3 years towards something, proven myself in every way to my bosses, my clients, my team members to have it all result in NO recognition long term!
3. I'm quickly running out of negotiating time because in reality, I don't think I'm up for job hunting right now....hello pregnant!

This reality hit me hard last night and I was up half the night agonizing about it all. So today I arranged a short meeting with my director and the HR person and I laid it out.

I said I realized that I've become really quite angry at this not being resolved in the past 5 months. I said I have more than proven that I deserve the new role. (hello! I'm doing it full time and doing great.) I listened to him. He listened to me. He tried to push it off because 'big changes are happening' and as it ended I layed it out very clearly, "I want the role officially now because it's already been too long in the making and I want my next pay cheque to reflect the job that I'm doing."

He was quiet.

I left him to discuss further with the HR person without me. 20 minutes later I got an email from HR saying, "I'm proud of you."

I'm proud of me too but I'm struggling to not beat myself up over getting stressed about it. Because although I was calm and professional on the outside, on the inside my heart was pounding, I was sweating, exhausted and an overall anxious mess all day over this. Tomorrow may be more of the same because he set up a follow up meeting.

And my internal rules committee is screaming "I'm supposed to be calm and happy and creating a perfect little womb for my little fetus to flourish in! What am I thinking, dealing with this now and bringing up all this negative energy? Don't you know the baby's more important than any job, any salary, anything at all .... " I could go on and on and on. It's an evil internal rule committee and it could drive me crazy if I let it.

Yeah, today I can't win with myself. So I'll take a walk to deal with some of this energy and I'll meditate and read tonight. And hopefully, I'll get some good sleep tonight and be a little more composed internally tomorrow.

RoaringS