Some days I just can't win with myself....and some days I think I'm truly awesome... and then there are days like today where it's both at the same time.
I took a stand with my boss today. I stood up for getting paid for the job I do. I tried to do this 5 months ago and got a big song and dance about how I was working towards the job that I'm actually doing right now and how there are steps that I need to go through and 'he'd look into it.'
Since that time 5 months ago we've discussed it directly a couple of times. We've discussed it indirectly a couple of times. I'd discussed it with HR very candidly....and I let it go. Ultimately, I had India on my mind and all the medical stuff on my mind, and this past 5 months has been the busiest time at work. So I buried my head in these things and hoped something would resolve itself while I quietly seethed and seethed whenever I thought about it.
This week I suddenly pulled my head out of the sand and realized:
1. I'm running out of time with this leverage of having lots of work to do
2. If I go on leave (either for India or on maternity leave) without this resolved, I'll be coming back to the role and the salary that I have right now.....not the one I've earned for the job I'm doing right now, which is significantly different. That's totally not OK! I can't have worked for 3 years towards something, proven myself in every way to my bosses, my clients, my team members to have it all result in NO recognition long term!
3. I'm quickly running out of negotiating time because in reality, I don't think I'm up for job hunting right now....hello pregnant!
This reality hit me hard last night and I was up half the night agonizing about it all. So today I arranged a short meeting with my director and the HR person and I laid it out.
I said I realized that I've become really quite angry at this not being resolved in the past 5 months. I said I have more than proven that I deserve the new role. (hello! I'm doing it full time and doing great.) I listened to him. He listened to me. He tried to push it off because 'big changes are happening' and as it ended I layed it out very clearly, "I want the role officially now because it's already been too long in the making and I want my next pay cheque to reflect the job that I'm doing."
He was quiet.
I left him to discuss further with the HR person without me. 20 minutes later I got an email from HR saying, "I'm proud of you."
I'm proud of me too but I'm struggling to not beat myself up over getting stressed about it. Because although I was calm and professional on the outside, on the inside my heart was pounding, I was sweating, exhausted and an overall anxious mess all day over this. Tomorrow may be more of the same because he set up a follow up meeting.
And my internal rules committee is screaming "I'm supposed to be calm and happy and creating a perfect little womb for my little fetus to flourish in! What am I thinking, dealing with this now and bringing up all this negative energy? Don't you know the baby's more important than any job, any salary, anything at all .... " I could go on and on and on. It's an evil internal rule committee and it could drive me crazy if I let it.
Yeah, today I can't win with myself. So I'll take a walk to deal with some of this energy and I'll meditate and read tonight. And hopefully, I'll get some good sleep tonight and be a little more composed internally tomorrow.