Friday, August 5, 2011

Memories and Reality and Rambling

I have kept a journal for years, sometime writing daily, sometimes more like weekly, occassionally there has been a lapse of a month but I always pick it back up. I often go back to those journals for clarity on decisions or to remember what I was learning and thinking at the time.

I started writing regularly when I found myself suddenly, shockingly, in the middle of a marital breakdown, which ended in separation and then divorce. Writing helped me to process what the heck was going on, internalize it and deal with my own emotions.

Today I can look back on that time with a lot of compassion, more understanding and incredible gratitude; gratitude for the people who helped me through that time and for my own coping mechanisms. I'm also incredibly grateful that going through that difficulty gave me so many more life skills. And it goes without saying that I'm grateful for the new life I've made, for my wonderful husband and the amazing journey we're on together.

I wonder how I'll look back on this summer. Will I be frustrated that I didn't get more accomplished? Will I remember it as a time of rejuevenation before all the crazyness started? I hope, with the help of my journals, that I'll remember it pretty clearly, some great things, some stressful, nothing perfect but, over all, a beautiful time of anticipation.

Maybe that's what I like so much about reading my journals. I don't sugar coat anything. I just write for clarity and completeness, so when I read them, I'm able to recall the whole picture, or at least far more than exists in my un-aided memory.

I hope I'm able to keep up my writing when the babies are born, even if it's just a few sentences to allow me, years down the road, to relive (just a tiny bit) what was happening, what I was feeling, how momentous the change was in our lives and why. It's important to me to have a record of what is ahead.

Remembering is important to me. With that in mind, I might need to spend a little more time writing about today so I don't lose 'now' in my anticipation of what is next. I have spent a lot of the past couple of months wishing time away and suddenly I am aware that we're on a count down to a major life change. It makes me want to soak up and appreciate all of what today holds and it makes me want to write.

Maybe more blog posts are on the way.... :)

1 comment:

  1. I think you'll find the time...perhaps not in the first three weeks post twins arrival, but it is important to you, and you'll find a way to fit it in. And there is SO much to write about.

    One of my favourite things to do is go back and look at the posts I've written over the past six years, posts about both the good times and the bad times. I realize I would have forgotten some stuff had I not written about it, and I find it very therapeutic to read about some of the tough stuff and realize that we all made it through in one piece.

    Now, if I could only get back into the journalling/blogging frame of mind again! It's been harder for me to feel inspired in recent months (years?).