I am slowly feeling more like the Momma in this new scenario we're living in. I think it's strange that it's taking time and yet a lot of new Moms say the same thing. From before they were born I felt incredibly connected to these two, very concerned about their well-being, wanting and willing to do anything for them.
As soon as they were born I felt that even more so. Very concerned and responsible for them.....but it was terribly complicated by being separated from them for 2.5 days. It felt surreal. Were they really born? Are they really here? If so, where are they? Why aren't they in my arms 24 hours a day? It was aweful. Then we got home and everything kind of fell apart. The incredible team that Andrew and I were in the hospital grew to include my Mom and Dad and their opinions and expectations, influence and judgements and I went to bed to recuperate and also succumb to a terrible infection.
Oh those first few weeks home feel lost to me. I lost so many opportunities to bond, lost my confidence, lost my sense of self as Momma. And my fear and anxiety grew and grew as I lay there hoping they wouldn't cry and need me to bear the torture of breastfeeding them when I couldn't care for myself. What a sad beginning.
I don't want to wish away these weeks of them being so small. And at the same time I so look forward to them being just a bit older, stronger, bigger, more interactive.
One morning Rachel slept in my arms on the couch and I trimmed her tiny fingernails. That's something a Momma does. It felt good.
One afternoon I took Samson with me for a coffee date with another twin Mom. It was so nice being out with my baby, showing him off. That's something a Momma does.
The more time that goes by, the more I feel like the Momma but it sure is taking time. As they interact more and more, I connect more with them and that is such a gift. Diaper changes are fun now, not full of screaming. Baths are fun and we take our time with them, instead of rushing so they don't get too angry. Thank God for change, it's a gift.