This past week has been about recovery. The antibiotics started working, I started feeling better, more energy, less anxious, more able to care for the babies and even spend some time with them just marveling at their tiny newness.
I can't believe how hard some of this has been. I also am so sad to have 'missed' so much of these past 3 weeks .... but things are getting better. I can now wrap my head around some of what it takes to run the household: Diaper pail garbage needs to go out every day, we go through at least 18 diapers/day, need to wash pump stuff as soon as I'm done pumping, need to do bottles twice/day. Knowing this stuff makes me feel like there is the possibility I could do it someday.
So far, my Mom has basically been running the house. I can now start being more involved and also just cuddle a baby when they need comforting. They aren't that scary ....unless they both need cuddling at the same time and I'm alone. I don't want that to happen too often, at least not yet.
I'm slowly coming to grips with the fact that two babies needs cannot be met the way one babies needs can be. I cannot parent two the way I would hope to parent one. And that is sad. I'd love to do the recommended skin on skin time (2.5 hours/day) but where am I going to find an additional 5 hours in my day?? I'd like to do tummy time and bare bum time with them but where am I going to find this time when Samson's reflux issues making at least 2/3 of the day not an option for that? They eat every 3-4 hours and each feed takes an hour that's 8 hours at least each day of just feeding, burping, changing.
So rather than beat myself up over the fact that they already have diaper rash, I'm trying to address one thing at a time and find time for the most critical issues as they arise. Their physical care is top priority. The other stuff just may not happen.
All that said, there have been some very precious moments this week:
- Samson resting his brow on his crossed arms against my chest as I try to coax a burp out of him. As if he were totally exasperated, wondering, 'when will this ever end?!'
- Their tiny smiles when we're trying to burp them.
- Rachel's little super girl pose, arching her back and throwing her arms over her head when she's working out a burp.
- Nursing them into a happy baby drunk state.
There is more but I'll write individual posts for each babe. They each deserve their own.