Every day there is a point when I think I cannot do this!
Every day there is a time when I think this isn't so hard, it's not rocket science.
Last night my Mom went home. It's been 4 weeks and it was our first night at home alone with our little ones. It felt nice but it was also intimidating. It meant we were both up for all the feedings, they now eat every 4 hours.
And it meant one of us had to be listening for them. When it's my turn to listen, I don't sleep. I may doze a little but for the most part, I'm awake for that stretch of time. I'm hyper aware of all their noises and I'm anxious about what they might mean.
Samson has reflux and it makes things incredibly difficult. Makes me dread feeding him for fear of a major spit up. I mean spit ups that he chokes on and goes purple and can't catch his breath and I consider how fast I can call 911. It's brutal. As a new Mom I'm anxious already, this makes it so, so much harder.
Every feeding we start with nursing and then work on a burp and then top up with formula and then work on more burps. Whoever has Samson has to keep him upright for 30 minutes after he finishes. Every feed takes about 1 to 1.5 hours and that's with 2 people doing the feed; they eat 6 times a day.
We split the nights into shifts. When there are 3 of us, one person is the 'first responder', one person is the helper and one person sleeps. (I miss one feed where they just get bottles.) The first responder wakes the helper when it's time to feed or when two babies are crying at once. No fussing baby goes ignored thus far.... this will change some day but I don't know when. Then the helper becomes the first responder and the sleeper gets woken as the helper when needed.
So is this working for us? Uuum I don't know. Right now it ensures that we all get some sleep and the babies get great care, which is great. But how long can we do it for? We won't have my Mom here forever. Will we just make it work until the babes are sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night? Will I ever find a way to do it on my own? Do I have to?
I'm trying to build up my milk supply ... again, not sure what the goal is here. I just know that breast milk is best for them and I want them to have as much of it as possible.
I have no answers. I just know I want the best for my babies and so we'll go on.