If I could say it better, I would but I can't. Here, Tertia Albertyn describes so well what I've experienced of motherhood after infertility.
After mentioning to Andrew that I felt guilty about not being perfectly, completely content with motherhood after wanting it soo much for soo long, he said he didn't think it worked that way. We didn't earn any precious special status by going through infertility, we don't get a guarantee of happiness or an extra dose of patience or confidence..... we just get to join the ranks of every other new parent of TWINS.
Of course I feel it was all worth it. I'm incredibly grateful to have both Samson and Rachel. AND it is so incredibly hard having two tiny ones.
But finally, finally I think we've turned a corner. Things are just easier this week and it's due to several factors:
1. I've learned to sleep fast. When I go to bed I'm now able to sleep for a couple of hours rather than agonize or toss and turn for an hour and then only get an hour of sleep before I have to be up again. This means I often get anywhere from 6 - 8 hours of sleep a day. WOOHOO!
2. Both Rachel and Samson are a little more predictable, interactive and HAPPY! They both make great eye contact and laugh and smile at you when you talk to them. This is what I envisioined when I thought about the joys of motherhood; standing over cooing babies. They are wonderful!! Rachel and I chatted on and off for an hour this morning as she hung out in her cradle. It was heavenly.
3. Sir-Samson-Screams-a-Lot is not so screamy at night. It could be the reflux medication working. It could be he's just older and not in so much pain from the gas. It could be we're reading his signals better. Whatever the case, the past several nights have had hours less screaming time. This is good for everyone.
4. I am less anxious and more capable. I know both Samson and Rachel better and am more confident that I can meet their needs....not at the exact same time necessarily, but I can meet them. Plus I'm doing more around the house, which makes me feel more normal.
5. I'm accepting the way things are and learning to let go of what I wish it could be or think it should be. My babies are cared for and loved as I want them to be....not always by me but by someone who loves them. That is what is important. And I have to trust that it isn't damaging them when it's not me who comforts them or meets their needs. I have to trust that it is all working out exactly as it should be.
And things will continue to change, sooner than later as the babes are getting too big for my Mom to do everything she has been doing. Samson is 10lbs!! He's more than doubled his birth weight. Rachel is looking more and more delicate next to him. She's only around 9lbs and getting darker and darker every week as her hair grows in. Both still have lovely blue eyes and I wonder when they'll change.
I look forward to the changes they will go through over the next year and anticipate enjoying interacting with them more and more as I grow into this role and figure out how it defines me....and how it doesn't.
I look forward to them recognizing each other. Right now it's like they are an extention of each other and just like they don't recognize their own hands, they don't recognize each other as a separate entity except for the odd moments. It's amazing how one can be screaming and the other sound asleep 8 inches away. I wonder when that will change. :(