Thursday, October 4, 2012

Nearly a year

Changes are happening so fast for all of us, within all of us.
I've been working through some of the emotional baggage from the babies birth and subsequent 4 months. In doing so I've found quite a bit of peace around the births and all the interventions that were required for us all - induction, epidural, vacuum for Sam.
But I still find myself disappointed and guilty about Rachel's time in the NICU. If I were the person then that I am now, I would have argued to have her with me.  I would have been fierce about it if necessary, even if it just got me more answers as to why she needed special care. I don't think she did need any special care, they were just being cautious. But caution wasn't needed for Rachel, what she needed and what I needed was for us to be together.
However, that is said and done. And I'm finding some peace in my disappointment in myself.
What I haven't found peace with is the first 4 months of their lives.
I struggle with so SO many aspects of that time. I'm haunted by it. Nothing will ever be that horrible again. My body falling apart, succumbing to infection while feeling completely overwhelmed with how much they needed and how little I could give. I lived in utter FEAR for them. Particularly after Sam's first choking incident.
Having to give up the care of your newborn to someone else, even if it's someone you totally trust (Thank you Mom!!) is a horrible feeling. Having to do so for months on end is sickening. I feel sick thinking of it.
It will probably take years for me to fully accept how things had to be those first 4 or 5 months.
And the blessing is that I get to be their Mom forever. Our future is not defined by our beginning. And as they quickly move from being babies to being toddlers, I get to delight in all they are blossoming into. I so look forward to getting to know them through all the stages of their lives.
I thought that this first year, this year at home with them, was going to be the pinnacle of enjoyment, of motherhood. But it's just the very beginning, we have so much to experience together along this road as a family.
Together! A family! I love those words.

1 comment:

  1. You cannot beat yourself up that were of things seriously not within your control. The doctors likely would have not listened to you, plus the reality is it was way better to be safe than sorry with one of your babies. And then being sick, infection, this again, not within your control.

    You have to trust that you did everything you could to the point of reason. Let go of that blame and go with the love you talk about at the end involving your favorite words - FAMILY! I am so very happy for you. What a year. There were many times sitting in Bliss cafe that you would have said a dream like you have now was so far from the possible future - and now it is your future! You are blessed friend. XO