Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Pretty Little Things

So there are these things called push presents.... little (pretty shiny) gifts that husbands give their wives when they give birth.

Had Andrew given me one upon the birth of our TWINS I'd probably have smacked him. My thinking being: dear Lord have we not spent enough trying to equip our home for twins already - the new deck, the new car, two cribs, two car seats, countless clothes? Do we not have enough to worry about getting two precious tiny beings home safe and sound after a week in the hospital, now I have to keep track of a tiny bauble as well, as if it means anything, anything, anything in the scheme of things? Do we not have enough unexpected expenses staring us in the face this first year with two infants, here you're giving me something completely useless that I'll have no reason to need or even look at for God knows how long?? LAME! I'm not here to decorate your world or to be decorated! Now give me something I can use like some nipple cream!!

However... ahem.

Time passes.


And as time passes and we slowly crawl out from under the crazy haze of sleep deprivation and find our balance in the insane level of energy and noise that is caring for toddler twins, one starts to slowly become more ... themselves. More aware of themselves as individuals in the world. More aware of being female and appreciating a certain level of attractiveness or at least aware of the desire to strive for a certain attractiveness when they have a few moments away from having food flung at them.

And in those few moments one may start to think about shiny objects. Pretty shiny little things that glint in the sunlight and remind them of moments like the birth of their children and how one totally, completely, shamelessly deserves something shiny (and maybe kind of expensive) after going through all that one has gone through for the past two years.

I know shiny things are useless and meaningless in comparison to children and all the blessings we have been given. A shiny thing will never love me, hug me, kiss me, laugh at my funny faces, run into my arms at the end of the day, attempt to dance, thrill at learning to jump or gasp with delight when the wind hits it's face.

But a shiny thing will also never kick me as I'm trying to change it's diaper. It will never bite it's sibling when she's trying to hug it. It will never head butt me when I'm trying to kiss it or scream in my face when I'm trying to offer comfort. It will never fling food across the room when attending a meal. It will never push me away in favor of someone else. It will never throw a tantrum because I have not fed it on time or because I offered the wrong kind of food. It will not smack, scratch, throttle, push or tackle it's sibling making said sibling scream for minutes on end and then scream along with said sibling just cuz. It will not wake me up in the middle of the night demanding milk even though it's way, way too old to need milk in the middle of the night.

No, it will not. It will just remain a shiny, pretty little thing that glints in the sunshine and reminds one of the beauty in the world.

Our 5th anniversary is 1 week away.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Looking for the light

This past month or two has been a real slog. We're getting by but it's not been fun it's mostly surviving by putting one foot in front of the other and coping.

Nothing has been terrible, it's just been everyone sick with colds and as soon as we're healthy another one strikes. Sleep has been seriously disturbed lately. Both kids are up almost every night at some point. We've gotten into the bad habit of giving them milk at night again. This started when they were sick and now I think they're used to it.

Work has been really stressful for the past couple of months and that really takes a toll on my energy levels. I'm running flat out at work and then running flat out at home and not feeling good about the work I'm accomplishing at either job. Something's gotta give.... and soon.

Luckily there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In about two weeks, we've booked a weekend away for our 5th anniversary. We are seriously looking forward to it!

Also, spring is coming and the end of cold and flu season! And my work is going to slow down in just a few weeks time. I just have to hold on a little longer and things will get better.

And I also have to look for small lights that exist even in the dark/hard places. For instance:

One morning this past week Sam didn't want to get into the car so I gave him the small diaper bag to hold on to. During the ride at one point Sam and Rachel were giggling away at each other and I looked back to see their hands reaching out to the other. When I got to the daycare I saw that Sam had managed to unzip the bag and had given Rachel her bunny and he was holding his puppy. They were both grinning and happy as clams.
Rachel is turning into quite the bossy girl or little mother, depending on how you look at it. The other day Grandpa stopped by and was looking for a hug. They aren't as familiar with him as he hasn't been around lately and they needed some time to warm up. So when Grandpa crouched down and opened his arms for a hug, neither was very willing to run to him. Sam scooted past him and then turned just in front of Rachel so they both stood facing Grandpa.
We all watched to see if one would be the braver babe. Sure enough Rachel moved first, took a small step forward just enough to give Sam's back a little shove towards Grandpa. We all howled with laughter. 'Here, you go first!'
A few times last weekend when I was looking for Sam for some reason, Rachel ran off to find him and corral him back to Mommy. Sometimes she wasn't very successful as Sam is not necessarily willing to do as his sister bids and seemed a little confused as to what she wanted.
Also when Rachel gets tired of her food at a mealtime she hands it over to Sam. He sometimes tries to give it back, sometimes eats is and sometimes is oblivious to the offering.
Their interactions are slowly starting to show civilized qualities ... at times.
They are my bright lights even though they are also the majority of the work in life. Funny that.