I had a friend once tell me that I take setbacks too well. I'm starting to agree. This 'stiff upper lip' thing, this 'I can do it I just have to try harder' thing, this 'I will find a way and it will all be better soon, I'm sure' thing..... it's a load of crap.
As soon as I complained publicly about how crap things were (see last post) everything got better. That night the kids slept better and sleep has continued to improve since then. Last night we had a perfect night. Both kids slept 7:30 - 6:30. Beautiful, beautiful sleeeeeeep!! I can't remember the last time that happened, it's been months.
Maybe it has nothing to do with the complaining and things just ran their course but I have to wonder what is the benefit of keeping quiet and hunkering down? What is the benefit of putting it out to the world that things suck? I don't expect help but if help shows up on my doorstep, I'm grateful for it. Help doesn't have a chance of showing up if no one knows it's needed.
I guess the issue I have is, I don't want to be someone who cries wolf. I want to be someone who if I'm saying something is wrong, people know it's really really wrong. But what if I really need help and no one is there to help?
Only once in my life have I been in a situation where things were desperate and I was crumbling and I did not get the support I needed. I asked for it as clearly as I was capable of asking at that time and it didn't come...not in the way we all needed (I count all of us as me, my Mom and Andrew because we all needed additional support in those first 4 months and we didn't get it.) So I resumed my 'I have to handle this on my own cuz there is no more help available' stance and we got through it. We coped.
I don't want to cope through these early years, I want to enjoy them. That's why I went on medication when the babies were 3.5 months old. That's why I'm considering going back on it again.
And I know things are on the upswing.... the kids are healthy, the sun is shining, work is slowing down, so do I really need meds or do I just need more time? I don't know at what point to draw the line. I do know there are other things that would also help. So I'm going to start putting those other things into action first and we'll see how things go.
Starting this week, every Tuesday is my night 'off.' As of 7:30, I'm officially free to do whatever I want. In addition, I'm going to start walking again, not with the kids, I do that plenty enough. What I need is 'off-duty' hours where I know I won't be called on for anything. I'm also going to find a way to have monthly date nights with my hubby because it benefits us greatly to have alone time away from home with no possibility of interruption. I'm also going to schedule regular massages because DANG my back works insanely hard picking these two kids up aaall day long, sometimes at the same time and it hurts. Physical pain and discomfort does not help mental stress, it aggravates it.
So that's where I'm at.....
And in other news.....it can wait till tomorrow or whenever. :)