Thursday, February 27, 2014

Hope rejoined

Our little Hope thawed out beautifully and remains a fantastic 19/20! That is great news.
The transfer went very well and I did my best to spend the rest of the day lying very low. I even hid from my children for an hour when the came home from daycare to avoid the worst of the evening crazies. No guilt!
Now for the long wait. 12 long days until I do the blood test which will confirm where we stand.
Things are looking very very good though. And I think it's no small thing that today is my brothers birthday.
My brother Wes is probably the biggest reason I ever wanted to be a mom. I was 4 and a half when he was born and I recall waiting at my aunty Lillian's house waiting for my dad to come tell us what kind of baby mommy had. I remember him arriving and saying it was a boy and I yelled and shrieked and ran around in circles for ages thrilled at the news.
I called him 'she' and 'her' for over a year but gender was irrelevant. I adored my baby brother, adored him, wanted to do everything to take care of him, was pretty sure he was mine and my mom just helped.
I am certain he was there with us today pulling for our Hope, loving us from heaven.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

First Full Sentences

Sam has been stringing individual words together for quite a while now.
"Mommy! Bear Down! Up! Please!" or "Bear Crib Wait!" or "Bear Down! Sad! Hug Better!" said with clarity and exclamation points.
He likes to narrate everything that is happening every minute of the day. So it's not surprising that he's the first one to put a full proper sentence together which happened this weekend:
Here you go, Daddy.
I did it.
Sam did it.
I have the feeling it will be non-stop chatter from now until he's a teenager.
Also in January he transitioned from calling himself Nam to Tam (for a few weeks) and he's now got his S's in place. He is officially Ssam. :)

Rachel continues to use single words and word combinations and simply doesn't feel the need to articulate the obvious every minute of the day. But her language is coming along very nicely.

Now if only I could figure out if they are RG colour blind. They get the other colours correctly almost all the time but they mix up red and green a LOT!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Riding the wave

So much about the ivf process leaves me waiting and anxious and with more questions than answers.
You wait for the first ultrasound to see how the lining is doing. Then you wait for the blood test results. If anything is off, you wait for the plan of action which usually involves more tests and waiting and not being able to plan your life because of all the 'what ifs.'
My lining looked good at the ultrasound but I had a follicle growing in spite of being suppressed so we had to wait for it to ovulate before starting the new meds which prepare me for the transfer.
Regardless, I'm now on the new meds and the transfer is scheduled for Thursday.
It's a big deal this transfer. It's our chance to expand our family. Maybe not the only chance we will ever have but by far the best chance we'll ever have. We have about a 50-60% chance that this will work. Compared to about 5-10% chance of conceiving naturally.... Supposedly that is. But when  3.5 years of unprotected sex yields 0 results, one can't help but think natural conception is a myth and the odds are more like 0%.
So I'm holding on till Thursday, being thankful for all my body has accomplished and recovered from in the past and choosing to trust in god when it all seems like too much.
I trust that asking for another child is not selfish.
I trust that if it works, the twins will make great big siblings.
I trust that there is lots of love in this family and we will be able to add to it without becoming unhinged.
I trust that if this doesn't work, we can still have hope for another.
And I trust that if this doesn't work, I will be able to find great contentment and joy with my two fabulous children.

Saturday, February 8, 2014


An FET cycle is easy peazy compared to a full IVF cycle. Just some estrogen pills for 12 days, some ultrasounds (daily for 5-7 days) and the transfer, which is very non-invasive compared to retrieval.
So I'm on the estrogen now...
And the antibiotics, oh and a probiotic to help counter the antibiotic affect on the tummy.
Oh and vitamin D to help keep the immune system strong.
Oh and of course the regular multivitamin.
Oh and a daily aspirin to .... God only knows what! Maybe thin the blood just a bit? Reduce any other inflammation?
It all boils down to 14 pills a day. 14 pills a day!
This is my day, I had to write it down because there was no other way to remember it all:
Breakfast: antibiotics (x2), estrogen(2), aspirin
Snack am: probiotic and vitamin d
Snack pm: antibiotic
Dinner: antibiotic, vitamin D
Evening snack: multivitamin, estrogen(2)
Bedtime: antibiotic

This really is easy compared to pills AND needles with meds that you have to mix etc. but wholly smack! Some people can just have sex and accomplish conception?!?! Really? Really?

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Reviving Hope

If you've been reading this blog for years, or have read back through the archives, or are someone who knows me and we talk fertility, which probably covers everyone who reads this blog, then you know we gave one embryo remaining from our IVF cycle with the twins.
Sam and Rachel were our fresh cycle and one embryo made it to the freezing stage. Since the day I learned that it would be frozen, day 6, I have thought of it as our hope. I have thought of it, prayed for it, continued to hope that one day I'd be brave enough to try this again when the twins were older.
When the twins were little I put it in the far back of my mind. The idea of having extra energy or the ability to split my attention further seemed ludicrous. However, slowly but surely as they get older life gets easier and I think about our little hope more and more.
Frankly, I have a fantasy of what it would be like to care for just one little baby. (And two three year olds of course.) I  fantasize about getting a second chance at this motherhood thing. A chance to do it better, have it just a little easier. When people have singletons they must experience that desire too, not just a desire for another child but the desire to experience it all again a (slightly more relaxed?) second or third time: all the wonderful firsts that a child goes through, that you go through as you learn to know your child.
I want that.
And so we begin our journey again. It all takes time, it's not going to be an overnight thing. Right now I'm on antibiotics for some inflammation that can affect implantation. I may start meds as soon as Thursday if all goes well.
Because this is a frozen embryo transfer (FET) it's a whole lot less invasive than a full IVF cycle. No needles in the stomach, no retrieval. Just a few pills, some ultrasounds and a transfer if the thaw goes well.
We're very hopeful. :)