I know there will be many times in my future when I will look back on these days when my children were young and long for another chance to experience it.
I know it will happen. In fact, sometimes even now I wish I could hold my two squirming 8 month old twins in my arms again.
So, as an assurance to my future self, I'd like to say:
Stacey, you can only live in the moment you are in and remember the past with fondness.
Don't anguish over any perceived 'loss.' It's not lost, it was lived! And lived well!
Here I sit at 9pm and my two 3 year olds and my 8 month old are fast asleep, the twins in their own rooms, the baby in her crib in mine. I love sharing the room with Cierra.
I am loving this experience of having just one baby! LOVING! I kiss her chubby cheeks a hundred times a day. I coo at her and mimic her sounds, I kiss her neck to make her laugh. I tickle her round little tummy. And I carry her around on my hip far more than I actually need to just to feel her little body pressed against mine.
I am breastfeeding several times a night still and not really pushing for that to end because I love the quiet closeness we get to have. I love looking at the curve of her head in the dim nightlight and having her small hands hold onto my breast. I love how she sometimes will hum or sing as she nurses. I love how the weight of her head feels on my shoulder when I pick her up to put her back in the crib. I love how she tries to suckle my neck or jaw or shoulder when I'm singing to her before a nap or at bedtime. I love when she sings along with me. Oh how I love her.
And I'm enjoying the three year olds too! I am revelling in the twins language and how they now tell stories in their play. They will build on each other's ideas as they play at being cats and dogs and dragons and pirates, "the dragon is very tired and needs a nap..." "And now she waked up because it is morning time." "And she need breakfast!" "Yeah I am very hungry."
These are beautiful, hectic, overwhelming, stressful, amazing, hilarious days. The life I always dreamed of having.
I cannot enjoy it more than I am. I can only be myself in this time and try to appreciate the amazing gift that it is. And I do! And I am.