Sunday, June 4, 2017

Snapshots of today

The twins are 5 and a half, Cierra, 2 and a half and life is pretty darn great!
Sam has started holding my hand at random times when walking to or from school or in parks. He just casually holds on and walks close. We don't acknowledge it just take it as a given that we do this. But really it's quite novel, he hasn't held my hand since..... Well, maybe since Cierra was born and was taking over both my hands!
I am savouring the feeling of his still small slightly rough little paw in mine. He bites his nails and his hands tend to be a bit dry but he holds on to me like a trusting, affectionate child, which he is. And he won't be for all that much longer. I want to memorize the feel of his small hand in mine before he outgrows this stage and his hand outgrows mine.
Cierra still often sleeps with her little bum up in the air, just like a baby. But she just recently stopped saying, "I yo baby mommy!"  And she is so not a baby anymore, despite her declarations, "I not a big kid mommy! I CC! I not a big kid."
So she is my little CC, my little girl, not a big kid! But often I tempt her to try things by saying, "oh just like Rachel and Sam do!"
Rachel is a real momma's girl too these days, she and I are sharing some good quality time painting toe and finger nails, having tea parties and writing stories. But more than all that, I'm trying to ensure she gets as many hugs and special smiles and positive reinforcement as possible. She is so sensitive underneath the quiet, and responds so immediately to all my positive attentions. I just want to fill her up each day with all my love so she can take on the world.
I so love these little big kids of mine.

Monday, April 10, 2017


Just a few things that I want to remember:
Sam asked me to draw a bunny for him so I quickly sketched out a shape. He looked at it and then asked with great sincerity, " mommy, do you know what a bunny looks like?"
He so obviously didn't mean it in any other way, just a genuine question. I laughed so hard, which confused him. I explained I did know what a bunny looks like, I'm just a really bad artist.

A couple weeks ago over spring break we were driving to Karate and Sam said he didn't want to grow up to be anything, not a fireman, or a worker or anything. I felt a little jolt of concern and gently asked why. He said, " cuz I'd just miss you too much being away from you all day."
Oh my heart! I told him he might not always feel that way but I was happy to hear him tell me that now.
Later after karate as we drove home the twins were saying that not every grown up has kids and Rachel said she was glad to come into my tummy so I didn't have to wait anymore. Sam said he was glad to come out of my tummy so I could be his Mommy and I didn't have to be sad anymore.
I was a little shocked. I don't recall ever saying that I was sad before when we were waiting for them. Although I have definitely said I Would have been sad if I didn't have them.
We all have so much to be grateful for.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Sigh.... Best intention lead nowhere

I so wanted to blog regularly, capture the small details on a weekly basis so I could remember them. Because if there is one thing I know it's that we forget all the likely things that make up our lives after time passes.
 The twins are 5! Nearly 5.5! and I forget what is was to have two little toddlers. I don't want to forget what Cierra is like at this age, or any of the previous months of her life or their lives.
I want to bottle them or find a way to capture each nuance of their personalities at 2 and 5... And probably 6 and 7 and 8, etc.
I don't want time to stop time. I wouldn't want to deprive my kids of growing up of becoming adults. I just wish there was a magical way to choose to remember all the details of a specific age or time so that I could sort of relive it again.
Yet I'm sure this was probably part of God's plan, to forget is probably an important part of our humanity, our creation. Perhaps if we were to remember everything, it would be too heartbreaking for us, we would somehow suffer terribly knowing (perfectly recalling) a time that we can never get back. Or we would inevitable lose all touch with our current time or reality when things got hard, because we would choose to immerse ourselves in our memories of better times.
I'm feeling nostalgic and a little sad, can you tell?
I just want to remember how:
Sam can be so wonderfully generous to his sisters these days. Giving them what they need or giving up what he has to comfort them.
Rachel is working so hard to be helpful to me, with Cierra.
Cierra's language has taken a huge leap forward and we are hearing full sentences more often than not as well as sayings that are used in perfect context: "I be right there! Just 2 more minute!" She is loving singing songs and has a repertoire of about 10 songs. She is utterly adorable, just so close to perfection in my eyes.
Sigh, life right now is so beautiful! And so hard! And perfect and needing to change a bit. Funny how it is both all I ever wanted and my own creation and also imperfect and needing to shift a bit. More o that soon hopefully. :)